So much for this weekly thing, huh?

Okay, so maybe "this week in DD" should be more like this tri-annual summary... Sorry.

DD kind of exploded at our house over the last month or so. I was starting to doubt it. I started feeling like it was just a stupid idea and all those nagging insecure thoughts flooded to the forefront once again. I thought about quitting DD, and just as I was getting ready to break that news to Paul, he decided to spank for something and it didn't go very well, and everything just kind of, well, exploded. I basically said that DD was dumb and I wanted to quit and it made me resent him, and all kinds of other things I thought I'd never say to the man I've worked so hard to get to buy into this...

So for the last several weeks, things have been pretty silent around here. I wasn't ready to talk, because I wasn't sure I knew what I was going to say. Paul mentioned once that he knew I'd probably want DD back eventually, and that he'd wait for me to tell him. That made me feel really good. At least I knew I didn't totally destroy everything in one hormonal moment.

Anyway, we finally got around to talking last night, and agreed that DD is a must for us, and we needed to get back on track. I asked Paul to really tighten the reins to help me keep DD at the front of my mind for a while. When school gets busy, DD and relationship things are the first to fall off my radar. This is particularly bad right now because on Monday I start the most intense rotation of the year.

Another thing I was struggling with was maintaining the power to stop DD if I needed to, but also not being able to turn it on and off whenever it was convenient for me. We decided to reevaluate the DD issue at set intervals. That way, in between those times I can scream about wanting to quit DD all I want and Paul doesn't have to listen, but I still get a chance to say my piece on a pretty regular basis. I think that will help me out a lot.

I don't really have any other updates. One thing I thought was funny from last night was that when Paul asked what kinds of things I wanted him to pay attention to, I just said "Imagine the wife you deserve, and then do whatever you need to do to make sure that I'm her." We giggled, but it was actually a pretty good way to describe it!

We'll see what happens.... I have a feeling that with this new rotation starting I'll have something to update you all with sooner than I'd like to think. :)

Jenna

Pre-Spanking Routine

I posted this on a message board earlier today, but it explains a little bit of how I was feeling in my last blog post, so I thought I'd repost it here.

I've had a need lately for more... routine with a spanking. There's this weird part after Paul says he's going to spank, and before he starts spanking that just seems all out of whack. Like I don't have any direction. Sure, "wait for me" is a direction I guess, but it just feels strange. Then we he does get ready to start and I'm in the process of going over his lap or whatever, the atmosphere is strangely laid back and relaxed. Not that I want him to be mean, but there's this little small voice inside of me that keeps wanting him to bust out with some big stern ".... and now you've earned yourself I good hard spanking!" I don't know... the whole rhythm seems off. Once the spanking gets started things usually go really well. I hate to suggest something like corner time, but I'm startling like a little more structure pre-spanking and a big firm "get over here" might go a long way....

Okay, in reality I actually think something like corner time could be incredibly useful to help focus me. But I think the success/failure of corner time would depend completely on Paul's reaction to it. If he's telling me to stare at a wall because I asked him to, well that's just stupid. On the other hand, if HE thinks it will help focus me, and HE wants me to have some time to contemplate what is about to happen, or HE just thinks my butt looks cute facing him like that, then maybe it would be helpful. He's gotta buy into it 110%. It's not one of those things I'm willing to just throw out there to "try." I can already tell you how it would be if it "almost worked" -- pointless. What to do? :)

Jenna

I was talking to a friend tonight, and she reminded me that I had a blog - haha! Sorry I never started posting again after the holidays. School has been nuts, and DD has been on the back burner a bit... or a bunch.

DD always gets messed up around the holidays for us. We go to our parents houses to visit, and there's obviously no spanking going on, and when we come home it takes a while to get back into the swing of things.

A couple of nights ago I finally got the courage to say to Paul that I was feeling a little lost/insecure with our DD and really needed some time to reconnect. I was half expecting him to grunt or groan, but he was actually really relieved I brought it up. Seems I wasn't the only one feeling "off". That made me feel a lot better about things already! It's nice to get little signs like that telling me he really is 100% on board with all of this. I feel like know he is doing DD for US and not just for ME. There is such a big difference there.

Anyway, we agreed that some kind of reconnection spanking was in order. I HATE asking for spankings, so I was glad that he kind of steered the conversation in that direction. We ended up having a pretty good chat about how stressful it is to try and put spankings into specific categories, e.g. "punishment" "good girl" "maintenance" " reminder" etc. It's much easier for us to just let things unfold in whatever way seems to fit at the time. I was thinking I needed a bit of a firm "stress relief" spanking, but what ended up happening was a pretty laid back spanking that we laughed through most of. It was awesome to feel the stress of having been so disconnected just melt away. It really didn't matter how he was spanking, just that we were there together bringing DD back to the forefront and reconnecting on that level that only DD can bring. I'm feeling pretty good about things, now.

Paul is out of town right now, but my goal when he comes back is to try to get more on the same page about rules, etc. We haven't had a punishment spanking in a long, long time. I'm not complaining about that, but at the same time it makes me feel a little bit like I don't know what we're working on right now, if that makes sense. I asked Paul about this a little bit, and he named off a lot of things we are working on that are actually significantly better right now. The reason I haven't been spanked because I'm doing so much better and the big things we started out focusing on - communication, etc. That really made me feel good, but I have this nagging part of me that keeps saying if we're doing so good at that, maybe it's time to move on to something else. I'm wondering if having some smaller habits to work on would help me feel like there was more continuity to our DD. Instead of working on the big overall issues, maybe if we added something like swearing, or not calling him when I'm on my way home to the list, that it would be easier for me to see our DD inaction. I don't love punishment spankings, but they do help me feel more secure about Paul's committment to DD.

We'll see what happens.... :) Paul probably won't post this week, but look for his response when he gets back from out of town.

Jenna